Mop-Up RAW 9.25.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
"Hey hyatte you are hated by everyone why dont you do everyone a favor and put a bullet through your head so we dont have to see your posts on 411 anymore."
ESX24@aol.com
Wow... my very first "Kill Yourself" letter. Now Sean (hey, I'll sue) Shannon is only beating me in this department by 699.
"Hello: This is not some idiot wrestling fan writing you. But if I ever catch you saying negative things about Canada again, I will rip your f**king tits off. You f**king american pricks should all die. Let me just trace your whereabout you mamma's boy."
Jamie Parkes terryogrady@yahoo.com
Hey Pal, I don't have tits. Quite the opposite, in fact.
No need to trace, my home address is 2410 Mendon Road, Cumberland Rhode Island, 02864. Home phone number is (401) 658-3794. BRING IT ON, CANADIAN!! I GOT CHUNKS OF CRAP FLOATING IN MY TOILET TOUGHER THAN YOU!!!
Hey, Canada sucks! Canada blows! Canada would have been cooking Jews with the Third Reich if we didn't protect your worthless asses. Jason Priestly even said it... Canadians are FLEEING their country because they can't stand Celine Dion. HAW!!!
Hello, I'm Chris and welcome to the Love Shack. A smattering of painless opening notes to fly through, then it's off to the races:
1) El Pluggos: This week's "And Another Thing" starting drawing reaction almost as soon as it was posted. It's about Bret Hart, and so far, people either thanked me for saying it, screamed, "AMEN BROTHER", or gave me a long, detailed explanation as to why I'm off-base here. It may rival my Sting column in terms of debate and thought provocation and it so far has DEFINITELY gotten under people's skin. It's a reminder of who Bret is, who Bret was, and who Bret is turning into... and my feelings towards Internet dumbasses who give him Hell for it. Basically, it's aimed at Scherer... so read it... it may give you a SMART topic to start a Thread over rather than the usual ragging on other Delphi and RSPW posters... get a clue, people.
This week's closer deals with LAST week's closer. The game I ran last week got a HUGE response... thanks guys. So, I have to handle it in the fairest way possible for ALL. Plus, there's ANOTHER game for EVERYONE to play. If you liked last week's closer.. and if you want to know if you won... this is a MUST READ. It's a HUGE closer too... MASSIVE in size.
2) I saw the "Unforgiven" PPV. While the matches were good, and Kurt Angle had the match of his CAREER so far, the one GLARING problem with it was that NOTHING was settled. The HHH, Steph, Kurt Triangle continues. Kane, UT, and Benoit still have business with the Rock. Austin started off his come back in grand form, but didn't find out who hit him, Jericho beat X-Pac, but took a nunchaku beating. Lawler and Tazz still have business, but now Raven is involved. Not a single angle made any DRASTIC developments. That was disappointing.
BUT... keep in mind that this was still a "low tier" PPV. It's still basically "In Your House". Next month's PPV is another low tier job. Things get settled and new angles start anew after BIG PPV's. So expect these stories to keep rolling until the "Survivor Series". Whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing... I'll let you be the judge. Personally, I think the WWF angles are running just fine and dandy... and still way better than 80% of the supposed "innovative" stories Russo is churning out (it used to be 95%, but WCW IS improving big time).
3) Tom McCabe... for no reason at all
4) I hear one of CRZ's writers and Shooter Scott Christ was hit by a car last week. Luckily, he was up and about within three days. Thank GOD the person who hit him wasn't Jewish. I could (and will) imagine the headlines, (THOSE DAMN JEWS REFUSE TO GIVE UP AS CHRIST IS RUN DOWN BY A CAR!!)
5) "Buffy" and "Angel" get their new seasons going tonight (Tuesday). If you never watched these shows (are you THAT much of a fag that you HAVE to stare at "Thunder"?) you are denying yourselves some kick ass TV. Well, since it's already Tuesday night as I write this, let me change this to "I HOPE you all checked out "Buffy" and "Angel" because they are... blah, blah, blah..."
6) Last week, I asked why the HELL does Scott Hudson scream out "GOOD NIGHT" during Nitro. Well, Reader Chris Featherling (subway@interlog.com) came up with one of the funniest and smartest explanation that I have ever read.
"The reason Scott Hudson says "Good Night" so often is quite simple. Everytime WCW does something that makes thousands of viewers turn off their TVs or change the channel. Hudson acknowledges the fans leaving by saying good night to them. Perhaps WCW thinks by being polite to the fans switching away they will all tune in again next week. The ratings suggest, however, that Hudson should be saying 'Good-bye'"
HAW HAW HAW HAW... good job. Oh man, I laughed. "Here comes Elix Skipper! GOOD NIGHT!!"... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
7) In today's day and age, it is IMPOSSIBLE to lose home Internet service for three weeks and counting. Something hinky is going on over there.
8) Someone named "Lemon"... I think... who writes for another web site apparently wrote a column that had a parody called, "Ask the Prick". Well, he wrote to me, swore that he never heard of me and that the parody was not an intentional rip-off of mine... even though I did mine weeks ago. Apparently, althougb no one bothered me with this, quite a few readers gave him some serious crap for the rip-off. Thanks for looking out for me, guys. The truth is, it's a VERY obvious thing to parody, and it's also obvious to replace "Rick" with "Prick"... so I believe him when he says he didn't know I did it first. It's an honest mistake.
He also asked me to admit that I ripped HIM off and his was funnier. Sorry, but I did mine first, only Dave Gagnon can take credit for goofing on Scaia first years ago, and my parody was a HELL of a lot funnier. It's my bit... I plan on running it again and again in the future. I DO respect him for coming up to me about this. That was a refreshing change of pace.
9) Finally, do me a favor and call Scaia's loser Brother's Loser COLLEGE radio show and tell him that A: His brother Rick blows old queens in the stalls of the Dayton Bus Depot, B: No one named "Scaia" will EVER succeed in life, and C: Hyatte is his DADDY!
note to Berry... none taken, I hate all recaps too.
See, 9 small items. Easily digestable. No heavy thinking involved. Since you all suffered through that, now you can sit back and try not to fall asleep through another installment of the recap you all know and you all snore at called...
RAW IS WAR (or: Hey, who's that Goldberg Rip-Off?)
-opens with Mitch Pelegi, "Skinner" on the "X-Files"... who's only apparent acting job is to glare at Mulder and Scully whenever they disobey orders. Wow... in a DARING change of pace... the WWF is breaking MAJOR kayfabe with "WRESTLING'S GREATEST SECRETS... REVEALED"!! FOR GOD SAKES VINCE!!!! SOME OF US AREN'T READY TO HAVE THE CURTAIN DRAWN BACK!!!!!
-I wonder if they'll throw in the thing about handing fans signs to hold up? Who wrote all those "HYATTE" signs?
-Wow? A microphone is under the mat to heighten the slam sound? I thought they just stomped their foot really hard after each blow.
-oh... wait... it's "MAGIC'S GREATEST SECRETS"... dear God... I hope Patterson doesn't show us how he got that damn bunny into his colon.
-THERE YOU HAVE IT... THE FIRST AND LAST PATTERSON JOKE OF THE... THE... oh who am I kidding?
-Okay... joke's over. It's 9:00 pm. I was a good boy and patiently sat out the first Nitro hour. LET'S GO USA... WHERE'S MY RAW????
-yeah yeah yeah... Valentino the unknown magician... yeah yeah yeah... all you really need are some flexible babes... yeah... LET'S GO RAW!!! WTF IS GOING ON???
-oh... OH SHIT.... THAT'S RIGHT... THEY MOVED TO TNN. AW CRAP!! WHY DIDN'T THEY PROMOTE IT FOR 9 WEEKS? ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MINDS??
-okay, I'll flip to TNN and we'll get.... get... umm.... uhh... oh F-Me... what channel IS TNN?
-02? Nope...
-03? Nope, it's PBS
-04? Nope, Boston's CBS station
-05? Nope, the 24 hour Catholic Mass channel... HISS... AWAY!!! AWAY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!!
-06? Nope... CBS's Providence station
-07? Nope...
-08? Nope... my local Public Access station... HEY!! WHY IS HORSHACK DOING HAMLET IN A PUBLIC ACCESS STUDIO? "OOO... OO OO... OO... OOO to be, or not to be? HEEEEH HAWWW HAWWW"
-09? Nope... UPN
-10? Nope... the Olympics... biggest waste of crap ever.
-11? Nope... Fox
-12? 13? 14? 15? 16? 17? 18? 19? 20? Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope and Nope.
-21?? Nope... TBS... they still "America's Station"?
-22? Nope... the TV Guide Channel. Obviously, I won't find RAW here.
-23? Nope
-24? Nope... ESPN Classic. So Boston fans can see the Lakers whup Larry Bird's ass one more time.
-25? Nope... the Food Network. How much of Emeril's receeding hair do YOU think fell into those dishes he gives to that audience?
-26? Nope... the Game Show Channel. Whatever happened to JP Morgan anyway?
-27? Nope... TNT... Nitro.... HISS... AWAY!!! AWAY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!!
-You know... I don't think I HAVE TNN? HOLY F--ING CHRIST!!! MY ENTIRE MOP-UP CAREER IS RUINED!!!! I AM SO SCREWED!!! I AM ROYALLY HUMPED UP THE ASS WITH A RUSTY HUNK OF OLD...
-28? TNN!!! BOOYA!!! I'M SAVED!!! THE MOP -UP WILL GO ON FOREVER!!!! (oruntilIdoafullfiveyearswhichisnowlessthantwoyearsaway)
-Okay... now I found TNN... next to TNT, ironically enough!... now let the COMEDIC GOLD OF RECAPPING BEGIN!!
-Unfortunately, I wasted SO much time with this channel surfing bit... I am now officially late for work and damn near exhausted... so I'm going to have to FLY!!! No comedy this week.. straight up no-bullshit recapping... fasten those seatsbelts kids, we are flooring it.
-opening theme
-fans, fireworks, fury, Ross, Lawler, heart, pain, in, I, am, ambulance, call, someone, chest, pain, great.
-Out comes Austin. he's back. he enters the ring and says stuff.
-Foley comes out and says more...
-blah
-bleh
-etc... etc... Rocky wins, all is right with the world... Austin's back. Nitro.. big... now.. go.
This is Hyatte
-oh okay... I've wasted enough time.
-Opens with the ENDING to "Martial Law"... starring Sammo Hung. My old porn name used to be "Samuel Hung"... or "SamWELL Hung"... well, okay, my porn name used to be "Captain Buttplug"... oh well, okay... I was never a porn star, but PLENTY OF GIRLS called me Samuel Hung... oh well okay, they called my "King Chris the Cruel".... well, okay... I called MYSELF "King Chris the Cruel" every afternoon after school when I'd lock myself in my room and fantasize about teaching those snotty Prom Sluts just who was Boss... oh yes... Tricia Gadoury was shown just what the deal was in my world... oh yes... Gina Luciani did too... AND Carmen Cote AND Pam Goyette AND Kim Dwyer AND Ellen LeCourse... by Christ in Hell... they all learned
-TNN apparently has "Pop"... it also has the lamest network slogan since NBC told us to "Be There" (Carson used to joke, "The next year, NBC's slogan was 'We Were There.. Where Were You?'" Funny ass shit at the time)
-WWF: One World: Yeah, this week's ratings will be the judge of that
-Opening theme... same as always. Probably wouldn't be smart to completely overhaul a new theme whilst trying to get people to make a seemless channel cross.
-Fan, Fireworks, various shouts of "YEEEEHAWWW"... you just can't take the redneck out of "TNN" overnight, people.
-QUICK... why don't black people go to Country Western Bars?
-Because when they hear "Hodown", they think their Sister's been shot!
-the preceeding joke was to illustrate the ignorance and stupidity of the racial strife that shackles the American consciousness. Only by STOPPING such offensive humor can we as a Nation evolve to the next level. THIS GARBAGE HAS GOT TO STOP, PEOPLE!!!
-This has been, "Chris Hyatte's Cry for Peace!" Thank you
-TNN is jammed into the corner of our screen. Alas, if WCW tried to use the slogan, "We Got POP", they could be sued for false advertisment. Nobody has popped for WCW in months. (HAW... kinda liked that one.)
-This may be the longest F-ing recap procrastination I have ever gone through
-Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to "The Dawning of an Exciting New Era in the World Wrestling Federation"... (they bring in Bischoff and Russo?). Ross asked Lawler how it feels to be on TNN? Lawler says it's like trading in your 40 year old wife for a 20 year old newer model who is younger than your Son! God Bless the F-ing King.
-This AIN'T WCW... they AIN'T gonna bullshit around... right off the bat, we get...
-The return of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin... who stomps out to a HUGE pop... (yeah, talk to me in a couple of months when we remember that we were getting sick of his act before he went away). His new theme is KILLER... which is just a rowdier, noiser version of his old theme... plus, "Mega-Death" had nothing to do with it.
-"Crush 'em"... N-word PLEASE
-You know... he's been out for ten months... if you fell off a building and crushed every bone in your body, you could still heal up in ten months... why is this guy STILL wearing a knee brace?
-AH!!! AH!!! LOOK AT AUSTIN!!! TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SMILE AND SHOW HOW MUCH HE MISSED THIS!!! LOOK AT HIM TRY TO KEEP UP THE STONE COLD GIMMICK!!! HE SO BADLY WANTS TO SMILE!!! PUSSY!!!
-All four corners get a photo op. When he finally fights the Rock, it'll take 30 minutes just for ring introductions.
-Austin grabs the mic... I half expect him to say, "I ran all the way over from the old place! Jesus Christ, Son... it would'a been nice if they told me ahead of time of this switch!" (yeah, really!)
-He says, "What the Hell? I'm gone for a few months and you all start cheering a DARKY???" (give the guy a break... he's from Texas)
-NEW shirt that says "Bye Bye Jackass" on the back... the boy does not waste time selling his wares... especially since he knows he's one bodyslam away from retirement.
-He says that a lot of things have changed since he's been gone... (yeah, Oil prices have zoomed. "Chicago Hope" was cancelled. Hyatte left TWO sites that had the name "SCOOPS". The whole world's gone off it's axis!)
-He commented that Vince McMahon went off to make more babies with Linda (and start an elaborate, multi-million dollar football organization... and become a certified Billionaire). Austin mused that since both Stephanie and Shane are "total jackasses", he hopes that the "Sonofab(beeep) is shooting blanks! Then Austin said that if he were around, he would have knocked Vince out and gotten him a vasectomy himself. (Oh. let's NOT start bleeping out the word "Bitch"... OKAY??? PLEASE??? I PROMISE... WE CAN TAKE IT!!!)
-Austin says that Triple H and Stephanie's marriage is the "Worst marriage in the History of the business" (Oh? Unlike the fairy tale that was "Stunning Steve" and "Sunshine"?)
-Austin also commented on Mideon the Streaker! (Jeeze? That makes ONE person talking about it)... and thought that Mideon should have the decency to get about 6 tubes of Clearasil and get those pimples off his ASS!!
-He also asked "And where does a 27 year old guy get off writing his autobiography?" (Yeah!! Really!)
-Finally, he asked, "And for Chrissakes... where's all the gratuitous tits and ass? Why is Venis running around in a shirt and tie? Where's the damn Pimp? Why ain't the Undertaker making jobbers drink his blood? WHAT HAPPENED TO WWF: ATTITUDE? WHAT HAPPENED TO 'GET IT'?"
-In fact, the only thing that hasn't changed is that Austin is STILL going to drink beer, stick up his middle digits, and refuse to lay down for ANYONE!!! (Um... somebody better tell Jarrett to go ahead and sign that contract extension with WCW... nothing has changed)
-Austin came to "Unforgiven"... got the pop they were hoping he'd get, but didn't find out diddly squat about who hit him... (I'm thinking, they may go the outrageous route and blame good ol' JR)
-SO... tonight... he's going to "weed his way through every last WWF Superstar" and take it out on the culprit's ass... (And God knows... there is a LOT of "weed" to go through in the locker room... BA-DUM DUM... THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU ALL, BUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, IS THE LADY NAMED COMEDY!!!!)
-Austin wraps it up with "And that's the Bottom LIIINE... BECAUSE ST... his voice got all gravelly... which means he did NOT spend any time in the mirror practicing his catchphrases like that bastard Booker T does!
-His theme plays... the first promo of the comeback has been cut... once again, the shift of power is back squarely in the hands of Austin. RAW IS AUSTIN AND AUSTIN IS THE WWF!!! THE LAST TEN MONTHS HAVE BEEN LIKE A BAD DREA...
-Mick Foley comes out... because IT AIN'T AUSTIN'S SHOW ANYMORE DAMMIT!!!!!! THIS IS THE NEW WWF!!!!
-Mick says that it's great to be back in the ring with Austin. Ugh... if it's one thing I hate, it's shameless sucking up. (411 rules!!! Everyone else drools!!)
-But, Mick told Austin that he was a little hurt that he didn't comment on the new Commissioner... namely him.
-Mick pointed out as Commissioner, HE gets to say who's ass Austin gets to take it out on...
-Then Mick said, "Nobody's ass needs to be violated in any way in the WWF, Steve!" (I will leave it up to LESSER Internet Hacks to toss in the obvious joke... that loser Don Becker can go for it... *ahem*)
-Meanwhile, Austin had a look on his face that said, "10 months away and I have to put up with THIS retard? Jesus H... is WCW hiring?"
-So, since Mick has the respect of the Locker room... and the love of the fans... tossing in a cheap heat mention of "Penn State University"! (What has Sean Penn done to get a whole friggin' college named after him? Other than giving Madonna a few well deserved smacks?)
-Mick proposes that Austin let HIM find out who ran over him... let the Commissioner take care of business. Foley turned to leave...
-Austin stops him. He LIES OUTRIGHT and says that he respects everything Mick has done so far... but he isn't thrilled with the way Mick has... has... oye... don't tell me what to do... it sickens me. SPOCK, SABOTAAGE THE SYSTEM!!!
-Austin asks, "How do I know YOU weren't the one who hit me? I've worked the road with you (IrememberTullyandIcare), everyone knows you are the worse driver on the planet! How do I know you weren't the one?" Mick drops the mic and starts saying, "Homina, Homina, Homina"
-Chris Benoit comes out for no reason at all. Chris Benoit has a mic in his hand. This might be painful, folks.
-BIG sign behind Benoit that says, "CHRIS" and an arrow pointing down. I see you buddy, how you doin'? Thanks for the sign!
-Benoit properly introduces himself, "Steve Austin... we haven't met. I'm Chris Benoit. The BEST damn technical wrestler there is today!"
-Austin just looks at him.
-Benoit, "Umm... I was in WCW for the last 6 years?"
-Austin just looks at him.
-Benoit, "I was a Horseman who jobbed to every employee in the company?"
-No recognition from Austin.
-Benoit, "Umm... I bang Nancy Sullivan?"
-Austin, "Oh, so YOU'RE the one! Thought you'd be fatter!"
-Benoit blinked a couple of times... then proceeded to bitch at Foley for screwing him out of a rightful title victory for the SECOND time in the WWF... then added, "if I wanted this kind of treatment, why the F**K would I have left Atlanta?"
-Benoit compared his quest for payback to Austin's... and DEMANDED that he get a shot at Rocky tonight.
-As Austin shook his head and mumbled to Ross, "Wasn't this MY segment a minute ago?"... Foley pointed out to a sign in the seats that said, "BENOIT WAS SCREWED"... the camera cut to it. Thank GOD... for a second there, I thought they were going to comment on the Rantsylvania sign... what kind of F-ing virginal LOSER would bring a sign plugging Rantsylvania? TWICE???
-Here's a sign idea... "411: SOMETIMES, OUR SERVER ACTUALLY KEEPS RUNNING!!"
-Mick sez that he probably screwed Benoit over worse "than a White House Intern" (Jeeze... niot dating ourselves TOO much, are we Mick?)
-JOHN HINKLEY RAN OVER AUSTIN!!!!!!!
-So, Benoit will get his WWF shot tonight one on one against the Rock.
-Which brings out Kurt Angle... for no reason at all. Angle enters the ring and tells Benoit that he DID get screwed last night, but it was NOTHING like the night Angle had... citing that his night was so bad, it made Penn State's football season almost look good.
-Last night, Angle almost lost a friendship when Stephanie McMahon kicked him in the genitals and cost him his match. (In my house, we call that foreplay... well, there is no "WE"... it's only me... oh, and the girlfriend... Melissa... but she doesn't live with me... I just hump her... it's getting boring... I'm trying to convince her to let me start putting a plastic bag over her head... get a little asphyxiation thing going)
-Angle said that he FORGIVES Stephanie... and that he saw how terrified Steph was of her susband after he jammed a kiss on her. Meanwhile, the fans were screaming, "KURT'S A HOMO!!"
-Mick sarcastically compliments Angle on the brave way he tried to defeat his opponent last night by working on the his injured ribs. (This from the man who once hit people with baseball bats wrapped in barb wire... AND lit on fire t'boot? DIDN'T MICK USED TO DROP PEOPLE ON THUMBTACKS???? OH BUT MICK NEVER WORKED ON AN OPPONENT'S WEAK POINTS!!!! NEVER, EVER, EVER!!!)
-Mick said that Kurt will get NO rematch against HHH... which Kurt had requested... which I didn't mention until now... which just goes to show that I suck.
-Angle was cool with allowing HHH time to "lick his wounds"... (among other body parts... flexible, big dicked BASTARD!!)... and he moved on to another topic...
-Which was concerning Steve Austin (I SWEAR, I saw Austin mumble, "'bout damn time this swung back to my storyline!"). He said, "How dare you, Steve Austin", for accusing him AND Benoit of running him over... pointing out that Benoit wasn't even IN the company at the time. Plus, Angle has too much integrity to try that move.
-Last night, Angle offered Austin a hand in friendship by giving him a replica of his Olympic Gold medal... Angle pointed out that it was a fitting replica because Austin "is not really a winner!" (Ross damn near spilled his coffee in his lap in outrage, "ARE YOU CRAZY??? THIS IS THE RATTLESANKE DAMMIT, THE GREATEST DAMN WWF SUPERSTAR IN HISTORY!!" Jesus Jimbo... I hope you at least spit and not swallow!)
-Angle was offended that Austin attacked Angle last night, and DEMANDED an apology... to him AND Benoit... and said that THEIR careers should not suffer just because Austin was too slow in avoiding an oncoming car... (Nah, they're careers won't suffer because of that... they're careers will suffer once Austin and JR start bitching about how neither guy is READY to be put over by him! EGOS, CHILDREN!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT EGOS!!)
-Austin got back on the stick and said that he probably did owe Angle an apology for... for... okay, I've had enough
Mop-Up RAW 9.25.00
By Hyatte
-Angle and Benoit both ate a Stunner and Austin walked out triumphantly... well, Benoit and Kurt are now OFFICIALLY in the WWF.
-Ross and Lawler squeal about how TNN will REALLY let them push the envelope... unlike those Nazi bastards at USA!!! Ross is still wearing his cowboy hat... because deep down, TNN is STILL AMERICA'S COUNTRY HOME, DAMMIT!!!!!
-We get several replays of the return of Austin... well, we get two of them... we only needed one... though.
-Ross SCREAMS that THIS is TNN and we better get used to it.
-commercials. "Ladies Man"... I'm sure it will suck, but I have no problems admitting to having EVERY Tiffany Amber Thiessan "90201" love scene on tape and jack off to them at last once a week.
-Oh dammit... those silly "Don't Smoke" commercials followed RAW to the new channel.
-Kane comes out.
-Rikishi comes out. It's a BATTLE OF THE HEAVYWEIGHTS AS RAW SALUTES THE 80'S STYLE OF BOOKING!!!!!!! THE WWF: BIGGERRRR, BETTERRRRR, BADDERRRRR!!
-The fight outside. Kane hits Rikishi with the ring bell.
-It spills back into the ring... 'Kishi kicks, punches, and sumo drops... yes, in that order.
-Then Rikishi hit Kane with a chair on the outside and was DQed for it. Kane hit him back with the same chair. The spill UPWARDS BACK into the ring and resume punching... (you try defying gravity like that... just you TRY!!)
-WWF Refs run in and say, "Come on guys, stop!!"
-They break up all their own.
-We are informed that there will be TWO re-matches from last night's PPV... then Ross loudly goofed on the suckers who bought the damn thing on Sunday.
-commercials. TNN: We got POP... and if you bastards want to see him again, leave 50K in the garbage can on the corner of Madison and Broadway... call the Police and they'll send you his HEART!!!!
-Yes, we ARE at Penn State. Shouldn't these kids be studying?
-Austin confronts the Undertaker. UT says that Austin KNOWS he was still on the DL at the time of the car accident... (not to mention that UT is more of an "In Your Face" kind of guy)... but, both men decide that, like it or not, they will probably have to go at it sometime down the road. (I'd like to hear his reasoning behind that? Do we REALLY need to see this match again?)
-Edge and Christian (or E&C; to insiders like me and Scaia) use made up words to convince Mick Foley that they can use a re-match against the Hardy Boyz tonight. Foley informs them that this will be their ONLY re-match... EVER. (wanna take bets? I'll put up a lung, and the blowjob skills of this 17 year old I have wrapped around my finger that sez this won't be the last time they go at it)
-Christian says that if this is a case, then this will be the shortest title reign ever... Mick holds up one of those umbrellas that can be found in exotic drinks and ... and... oh who cares.
-Some old bag steps out of the stall (see, they were in the Ladies room at the time) and tips Mick a buck. Call me crazy, but I think that was Mrs. Bob Ryder
-I'm not sure... what happens if I call that 1-800-POP number? Is it a way to order TNN? If I had TNN scrambled, then how could I see the number? Why the F*** would TNN be scrambled?
-The Dudley's come out. We see that the "WAZZUUUP" guy had a cameo on Heat the other night. Faarooq clearly did not like saying, "WAAAZUUUP"... I hear he was sobbing for his people afterwards.
-Tazz came out... Lawler wished Herpes on him. He got on the stic and asked Buh Buh why he needed his Brother there for this one on one match? Tazz wondered if Buh Buh would also use Lawler, or maybe even ROSS too? Then Tazz went WAAAY off topic and broke MAJOR kayfabe by mumbling, "Isn't it great that we ain't working for that pudgy Jew anymore?" (Oh Tazz.. SHAME on you!!)
-of course, D-Von jumped out and the fight was on. It was all Buh Buh...
-...until such a time when it became all Tazz (I'm on a recapping ROLL, people!!!!)
-Lawler badmouths Brooklyn. Ross reminds him that not ALL people from Brooklyn are bad!! (WHAT??? Has Ross EVER seen a Spike Lee Joint?)
-Tazz takes a moment to get in Lawler's face. Lawler stands up and starts to take off his headset. Tazz squirts him in the face with his bottled water. Lawler acts it was battery acid (The King thinks he's Harvey Dent).
-Then Raven showed up and planted a DDT on Lawler. Then gave one to Buh Buh for good measure. Tazz won. D-Von ran out... Raven vanished just as mysteriously as he entered (ie: out of camera range)
-Backstage, Stephanie was upset at her Husband for forgetting his Birthday. Oh, and that kiss he gave her. HHH, "Baby... that kiss WAS your Birthday present!!!!" Then he proceeded to do her doggy style with a Garden Weasel. (Oh please, like little Ms Thing didn't need it!)
-Lawler completely nosold (I just can't run anymore) the DDT and was back on the stick no worse for wear... a faceful of water, he sells his ass off... but a DDT from a Jim Morrison looking homo... no f-ing way.
-commercials
-Last night, we had a cage match. It was a great cage match, but everyone is so used to these teams killing themselves, that they called it "Below Average"... I'd like to see these fat asses try to do somersaults off the top of the cage and land just inches from their heads and THEN bitch about the performance of these two teams.
-Edge and ... I mean E & C (I almost forgot... I'm an INSIDER!!) come out with a ladder.
-The Hardy Boyz come out and attack. This is a Ladder match.
-Hey, the inaugural RAW IS WAR for TNN is now the inaugural WARZONE for TNN. Am I crazy or is this the same old crap?
-The Hardyz take the ladder, open it, and ram in in the Canadian's nuts. Then Matt dropkicks it into them again. Being Canucks... they weren't using them anyway.
-E & C threw Matt into the Ladder. Ross, "Edge and Christian threw Jeff's Brother Matt into the Ladder, and you see the results!" (Actually, I was too busy typing this sentence to see the results)
-Another Ladder came into play... E & C wedged Jeff between the sides of the Ladder and crashed into it.
-E & C set the ladders up side by side and started to climb. M & J produced ANOTHER Ladder and threw it at them.
-M & J produced a HUGE Ladder and set it up. Both Announcers said, "Look at the size of that ladder!", then goofed on each other for it. (*sigh... I expect this kind of minutia on the OTHER rasslin' show)
-Matt had his hands on the hanging belt... Christain knocked the ladder out from under him... Matt was hanging. Edge was on the other ladder... he jumped and speared Matt mid-air. That was a KILLER move. (The Mop-Up: Home of the GLARINGLY obvious observation)
-All four men stayed "knocked out" long enough so we could see two replays of the move.
-Edge got up and started to climb the ladder again. Lita came out and chaired him.
-She tried to chair Christian too, but he kicked her and gave her the "Downward Spiral Moonflip Steve Borden Blows"
-Christian set up the BIG ladder and started to climb. He was pulled off.
-C tried again.... Matt gave him a back suplex off the ladder. The rat prick should have had his neck broken. How these kids will be able to even WALK by the time they hit 35 is beyond me. (Jesus, I'm 30 and I can barely get out of my chair anymore... but I was cursed with a screaming case of Laziness... it defines my life... this is why I hate my parents)
-One by one, all four men tried to climb the ladder... one by one, they were pushed off.
-Then Matt tried... E & C set up two ladders on either side and went for a "Conchairto". Jeff and Lita did EXACTLY what you would expect them to do in this situation... I don't feel the need to explain.
-Matt grabbed the belts and kept the titles. Ross carried on about carnage and what not..
-You know... Lita gets cuter every week. Look at her... she's adorable.
-Speaking of adorable, Austin is backstage questioning Gerry Brisco and Pat Patterson. Pat's pants were tightened safely OVER his belly button (it's all the rage in the Village). Brisco reminds Stevo that he was back home in Florida at the time of the accident. Pat called Brisco a liar and says HE was at home celebrating an "Important anniversary" (ah... you never forget your first colonic... so warm... so wet... so... you know what, let's leave Pat alone... for chrissakes... I've been milking this for two years now... good Lord... let's leave the poor guy alone... I HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT PATTERSON GAY JOKES ARE OFFICIALLY RETIRED FROM MOP-UP DUTY!!!! PUT THE FLAGS AT HALF MAST, BOYS... THE ADMIRAL IS GOING HOME!!!)
-Neither man admitted to doing it... Austin made an obligatory threat, Austin left, Pat and Brisco bickered... Pat dropped whole consonants from his dialect.
-Actually, Austin promised to "stomp a squealing worm out of their asses"... why bring Rodman into it?
-Oh F-You... THE MAN HAS DONE HIS DUTY!
-Chyna was backstage... she was WAL... err... on her way to the ring (he might sue ME to offset him getting sued)
-commercials
-The WWF has officially registered 100'000 voters... yes, but... they are all idiots.
-Ross and Lawler basically say Trish Stratus will fellate both GWB and Gore if they friggin' agree to this thing already! Ralph Nader agreed to this thing weeks ago... but he only gets a spongebath by Patterson (OH ONE MORE, FOR OLD TIMES SAKE!)
-Chyna comes out with her "special little friend" and sets off a few shots. (Now THIS is an item they should market... get some chicks watching the show)
-Chyna was there to push her Playboy magazine... which goes on sale TODAY. (ooo, next stop, feces in her gym bag... then a cover spread in "Cigar" magazine)
-Chyna stands beside two BIG stand-ees of her Playboy cover... this is where she justifies taking naked photos that will soon be covered with semen stains in bedrooms EVERYWHERE
-She first takes aim at the Star tabloid who goofed on her outfit from the MTV Awards. (She DID look a little gaudy, kids... let's be honest)
-She ragged on the skinny ass starlets running around these days... and said she was PROUD of her womanly curves (yeah, especially that "curve" bulging out of her trousers)
-She said that she could eat all of those skinny women "for breakfast!" (Why is it, when Jenna Jameson says stuff like that, it's HOT?? That was rhetorical, by the way...)
-Chyna worked SO many years on her body... and for SO many years, people called her "ugly" (WHO??? I'LL KILL THE BASTARD!!! HOW DARE ANYONE MAKE FUN OF HER!!!)
-Chyna read a quote about discipline... no friggin' way I'm gonna rewind 20 times in order to get... and talked about how SHE used discipline to succeed in a completely male driven business on her own terms. (I'm not sure... is she pissed that she's not getting those Jennifer Love Hewitt scripts?)
-Tearfully, she says that she is a pioneer in the business, and that that's why "my boys" call her the 9th Wonder of the World... and that even through all the years of being called ugly, she can finally be proud to say that she proved them wrong (hmm... what is this feeling in my gut? Am I feeling guilty? Guilty for making fun of her masculinity? Guilty for making hurtful comments towards her, even though I don't KNOW her? Guilty for assuming that she would reject me in a heartbeat just like every single bitch I've ever met in my life? GUILTY BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE A HAMMER AND SMASH IN ALL THESE BROAD'S HEADS BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO GOOD FOR ME??? GUILTY BECAUSE I ATTACK FIRST BEFORE THEY CAN HURT ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN HUMAN!!! YOU LEFT ME FEELING LIKE A WORTHLESS, PATHTIC WASTE, YOU BITCH!!! I HATE YOU ALL... I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!)
-Oops... I just farted and the pang cleared up... was just gas.
-Chyna wrapped up and showed off her Playboy cover. Then she thanked the WWF for giving "the freak" the opportunity... and all the gusy in the back for supporting her all this time... and all the fans for wanting to see her naked... finally, she thanked herself for working her ass off all this time. Alas... not one thank you went to her friendly, neighborhood Plastic Surgeon... an unsung hero, if there ever was one.
-Chyna was about to leave when...
-The RTC came out. Stevie Richards had a mic and said that the Right to Censor does not agree with what Chyna just said.
-Val Venis had the mic and said that Chyna's speech was all about feeling and emotion... with not a shred of "fact and logic". The fact is, what Chyna did was "immoral", and this Playboy spread is "sugar coated pornography" (Ross called that "asinine"... alas, in all reality... it IS soft core porn... really, kids. Venis is dead on)
-If the people knew what was good for them, they would BOYCOT this magazine and say, "NO MORE". (Didn't Jim Belushi try this in "The Principle"?)
-He told all of us NOT to buy this magazine... to NOT promote nudity... to NOT help Chyna sell herself... because Chyna is just not WORTH IT. (well, I wasn't planning on buying it anyway)
-Eddie Guerrero came out and asked "ese" if he really said that his Momma wasn't worth it. (No Eddie, nobody mentioned your Mother. Get the guacamole out of your ears)
-Eddie has accepted the fact that his Moms be all naked... and will put the IC belt on the line against one of these gringos in her honor... then he started spewing Espanol.
-Richards accepted the challenge on Val's behalf... Chyna told them to kiss her ass after they see her ass in the magazine... should they happen to pick one up.
-Backstage, Trish tries to pick up Kurt Angle by putting that medal replica around her neck and dropping the medals between her titties... no girl, EVER.. has tried to pick me up like that... or at all...
-X-Pac was prepared
-By luck, so was Jericho. This is going to be a first blood match... and it will be right after these...
-commercials
-YTOOJ came out. He entered the ring... than ran back down towards the entrance way. COWARD!!! JERICHO'S AFRAID OF X-PAC!!!!! HE'S RUNNING LIKE A BITCH!!!!
-X-Pac comes out JUST IN TIME and stops Jericho from escaping!!!
-Jericho punches away, spilling things outside and narrowly avoiding an X-Pac chair
-Back inside, X-Pac takes over
-Back outside, X-Pac does his spin kick thing that sends Jericho over the guard rail.
-Jericho with a Running Bulldog on the steps.
-X-Pac hits Jericho with a glass bottle. Then rolls him in the ring and runs a shard of glass on his forehead. Jericho starts to bleed. X-Pac wins. X-PAC ALWAYS WINS!!! WHAT'S THE DILLY??? (ugh... talk about dating oneself)
-X-Pac tried to use his nunchakus... but Jericho blocks them and uses them himself. X-Pac starts to bleed. Jericho throws him on the Announce table and gives him the Walls of Jericho.
-Did someone in Titan decide that Jericho makes a good "Face That Loses More Than Wins"... (Poor Jake Roberts had to deal with that for years!! Drove him right to the pipe, it did!)
-Backstage, Austin walks in on the Helmsleys and listens to Stephanie babbly about how unfair he is to her and her Brother. Austin tells HHH to shut the girl up... which he did.
-Basically, and barring ALL believability, both men agree that HHH isn't the type to pull a hit and run like that (naah, he just drugs girls up and marries them).
-commercials
-WWF Divas had a photo shoot... and we were treated to maybe 10 seconds worth of footage.
-Rocky had to wait patiently until the Penn State crowd remembered to chant his name. Then he shrugged and cut a promo on Benoit.
-Oh, and apparently, Rocky CAN say the word "bitch", but Austin can't. That's reverse racism... SHOE'S ON THE OTHER FOOT FOR A CHANGE!!!!
-commercials
-We get a sneak peak at Chyna's layout. Lawler literally came on mic. But at LEAST he acts like an oversexed adult and not like an oversexed virgin like that fat cherry Madden who screams, "OPEN THOSE ROBES!!! OPEN THOSE ROBES!!!"
-Jeeze... Chyna should have thanked whoever airbrushed those pictures too... good LORD. I haven't seen such touching up since Cybill Shepard had steady work.
-Eddie and Chyna came out. Val came out... they went at it.
-Eddie won, Stevie got pantsed, and I have spent WAY too much time on this show.
-commercials "Heat" is coming to MTV... this is going to do more good for the WWF than anything else in this Viacom deal... and now there is NO chance for the sequel to WCW's Ultimate Video Challenge
-Crash Holly is refused to get served at WWF New York
-Steven Regal starts reading "Hamlet" until Steve Austin came out and dropped him.
-commercials
-Chris Benoit comes out with Shane McMahon.
-The Rock comes out.
-The match is on.
-Benoit works on Rocky a bit, then Rocky gets in a "Sharpshooter" (Pissing on Bret... dammit... HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BITCH!!!!)
-Shane broke that up
-Benoit with a series (well, two) of belly to back Suplexeseseseseszz
-Benoit with a swinging neckbreaker
-Benoit with his Flying Headbutt
-The Ref finally had enough of Shane and screamed at him... it was Earl Hebner, by the way.
-Hebner went down anyway... Ross called for a Priest to administer Last Rites... I don't even know why.
-Shane jumped in one too many times and found himself facing Rocky. He took a Spinebuster.
-Benoit produced a chair. Ross bemoaned the lack of Referee and sucked up to TNN a little by declaring this "MARTIAL LAW" (If this match took place last week, he would have declared it "LA FEMME NIKITA"!)
-Benoit ended up chair Shane... not on purpose
-Stephanie and HHH ran in. They rolled Shane out. Ross screamed, "FOR GOD SAKES!!! CAN SOMEONE BACK THERE GET OFF THEIR BUTTS AND GET A REFEREE OUT HERE!!!"
-Rocky threw Benoit into 3H... who was knocked down. he climbed back up and started to jaw at benoit. Benoit started swinging at him. HHH dropped Benoit over the top rope by the neck. Benoit bounced off and went right into a Rock Bottom... Hebner woke up and made the pin.
-Kurt Angle ran out and attacked HHH. Benoit woke up and went after Rocky.
-Stephanie pulled Angle off of Hunter and slapped him. Kurt was shocked.
-Benoit walked over to them... asked Kurt what he was doing. Reminded him that this was Stephanie McMahon. Then headbutted her right down. BOOYAAAAAAA
-Ross found it within him to be even MORE outraged. Benoit and Angle woalked away. Close up on Stephanie's knocked out face... which seemed to be having smiling spasms.
-The first show of the TNN era ends.
Admit it... it's nice to have Austin back.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if this whole cultural infatuation with Wrestling up and died just as they merged with Viacom? POOF... the fad just up and passes. I'd laugh.
Go to Nitro. Go to the Closer. Go to Nitro AND the Closer. Or go away.
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